I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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