i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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