it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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