I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
