Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
