Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
sex in a hospital.. check
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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