Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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