Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just pee around me
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
