Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
