eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
