glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
