Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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