fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
