She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
