i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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