I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
