I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
