Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
