guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
