why didn't you poke me back
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
another moral hangover. fuck.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Randomize
