he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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