Swine flu. Run for my life!
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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