She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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