Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So much rum. So many feels.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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