Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
