Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
