Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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