U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
