I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
