I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
