it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
pop tarts are not kleenex
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
