My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
