I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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