Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
