Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
