I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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