I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
