don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Use "feeling words"
Yay
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
