My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
