i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
