Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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