I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
