I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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