Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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