Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
