i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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