I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
