Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
