I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
