I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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