I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
